I had a dream this afternoon when I was taking a nap. It was one of those dreams that feels so real you think it might be. That is until you realize that the events playing out in front of you are not real and will never be so. I think it was nothing more or less than a vision of the exact longings of my heart at this moment, even though it is not entirely possible at the moment or in the other case ever. First I was with Kyle and somehow I knew things that were not spoken, like how in dreams things can go unexplained but still feel coherent. He was still living in Charlotte and we had just both been so busy the last two months that we hadn't seen each other. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was still around and he said that he knew I was busy. Silly boy, I'm seeing you next weekend in that case because I miss being around you. The next part was even better. I was with my Mom again. My Mom was still alive and somehow she had never really been dead, it had all been a big misunderstanding and she had been busy too. But now we were together and life could make sense again. I would have a Mom to look out for me and to get advise from. Then I wake up and realize that the two people I long to see the most, I won't. In one case I have to wait 2 more years and in the other I have to wait until I die. It was definitely an intense moment.

This is exactly what I want. This can not happen this way.

Will I truly even end up with Kyle? Marisa said something today about how our relationship may be intended to prepare us for the people we are truly meant to be together with and it hurts to even think that, but it could be true. I don't want to use him as a crutch but I have to be sure we know what we're going to do with our children in differences in relgion and it's overwhelming sometimes. I really wish I could just curl up with him somewhere and talk about these worries in person. I haven't had the heart to write about how overwhelmed I've been at the thought of not giving him a temple marriage or even worse joing his church for the wrong reason and taking away the chance for my Dad to see such an important day in my life.

Please God, I need your clarity.

Throw your hands in the air

Today I came back from Bible Study to find a wonderful surprise. It was a simple 'Thank You' note that had been slid under my door while I was gone by one of my residents Lauren, who I had lent some quarters out to earlier in the week so she could do her laundry. I didn't really think much of it but getting a thank you note and her encouraging words really means so much more than she knows. I really love being able to have a job that while simple lets me learn about myself and others significantly more than I would be if I lived on campus in the suite where I could be instead.

Today and yesterday have been funny because I want to listen to music but only if it is in French or in Spanish. Listening to songs sung in English that I fully understand seems overrated right now. I'm not sure what this says about me but it's still kind of unreal that I will be visiting a Spanish and French speaking country in the next year. I am luckier than I realize.

I will be heading over to Oak Island for Fall Break this year. I'm staying with Lori Akers but I am going alone and she will be working a great deal of the time so I really will be on my own. I'm not sure what to expect but I am hoping being around the waves will bring me the clarity that is always has in the past. I am very excited about connecting with God this week by devoting my time there to reading His word and reflecting on my life. I watched the LDS General Conference this weekend and am really determined to bring forth and keep the Holy Spirit in my life as much as possible. God is the only thing that I can rely on in this life.

My one concern is that missing Kyle so much the last few days, it will be hard to spend so much time alone. At the same time, I have always embraced time alone and being independent so hopefully it will be as renewing and refreshing as it has the potential to be.

New Beginnings

Why hello there.

This is the beginning of something new. I have been posting on my livejournal for the past five years and figured it was time for a change. A fresh start. A new beginning for my thoughts to feel less confined to my past, while always remember what I've gone through.

I feel like I've been maturing exponentially lately. I think it's a good thing. I will be turning 19 and a half in a little over two weeks. I have responsibility such as being a Residence Asistant and role model. I will be traveling the world very soon. I am going to Guatemala in March and France in June. I am in love. He is gone on a mission trip for the next two years but regardless of what happens with us, I will always know what it feels like to love another person and the hope that comes with knowing it does exist. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. My name itself will always be a reminder to me of why I am here. My relationship with God is growing each day. It is something I take great joy in, especially since this summer was such a time of isolation and separation from my faith. I have dreams. I want to work for a non-profit organziation for a living at this point in time. I don't mind being alone every now and then and I learning to trust God and to embrace whatever His will for my life is and will eventually look like.