I had a dream this afternoon when I was taking a nap. It was one of those dreams that feels so real you think it might be. That is until you realize that the events playing out in front of you are not real and will never be so. I think it was nothing more or less than a vision of the exact longings of my heart at this moment, even though it is not entirely possible at the moment or in the other case ever. First I was with Kyle and somehow I knew things that were not spoken, like how in dreams things can go unexplained but still feel coherent. He was still living in Charlotte and we had just both been so busy the last two months that we hadn't seen each other. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was still around and he said that he knew I was busy. Silly boy, I'm seeing you next weekend in that case because I miss being around you. The next part was even better. I was with my Mom again. My Mom was still alive and somehow she had never really been dead, it had all been a big misunderstanding and she had been busy too. But now we were together and life could make sense again. I would have a Mom to look out for me and to get advise from. Then I wake up and realize that the two people I long to see the most, I won't. In one case I have to wait 2 more years and in the other I have to wait until I die. It was definitely an intense moment.

This is exactly what I want. This can not happen this way.

Will I truly even end up with Kyle? Marisa said something today about how our relationship may be intended to prepare us for the people we are truly meant to be together with and it hurts to even think that, but it could be true. I don't want to use him as a crutch but I have to be sure we know what we're going to do with our children in differences in relgion and it's overwhelming sometimes. I really wish I could just curl up with him somewhere and talk about these worries in person. I haven't had the heart to write about how overwhelmed I've been at the thought of not giving him a temple marriage or even worse joing his church for the wrong reason and taking away the chance for my Dad to see such an important day in my life.

Please God, I need your clarity.