Wow. Well for the most part my sleeping has gotten better. But for tonight I'm so exhausted I'm no longer tired. I've been very busy and joining lots of new things.
I worry about myself and my motives for trying to be apart of so many clubs and leadership activities. They are all good in themselves but I might have too much on my plate. Why do I do this? Hopefully not because it doesn't give me free time to think about not having him. But there's a chance that's exactly why.
Going to see "It's kind of a funny story" tomorrow with Marisa. That's going to be kind of bittersweet.
I need to sleep. Please pray for me. I'm so sad all the time lately. It has to pass soon.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I haven't been able to sleep the last two nights. I've been exhausted so I try and go to bed early and then proceed to lay there tossing and turning until my alarm goes off to wake up. I don't know what I'm going to do if they keeps up because not sleeping is interfering with how well I function in the day.
And this is pathetic but I think the reason why I can't sleep at all is him. I just lay there numb trying to figure out what the heck happened and every little thing I may have ever done wrong.
In the Bravery song 'The Ocean' there is one line that goes "Do I wish that I had never known you at all?". I always was confident that that would never be the case. I'm starting to wonder though. Simply because there are plenty of guys I would have been happy with if I hadn't known the difference, that now will never match up.
Please pray for me.
And this is pathetic but I think the reason why I can't sleep at all is him. I just lay there numb trying to figure out what the heck happened and every little thing I may have ever done wrong.
In the Bravery song 'The Ocean' there is one line that goes "Do I wish that I had never known you at all?". I always was confident that that would never be the case. I'm starting to wonder though. Simply because there are plenty of guys I would have been happy with if I hadn't known the difference, that now will never match up.
Please pray for me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
It's kind of a funny story
First, the good news: I got accepted into working and hanging out with the French exchange students this semester! It will be good for me and good for talking about in interviews. But I don't want that to be why I do it. If I end up going to France this summer it will be perfect. I just hope I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons, namely trying to hold on to someone that is no longer mine.
I was feeling really good about being friends with Kyle and God's perfect timing in making it happen right before he had to leave from Brazil. Diane called me today though and when I started to tell her about it she made it pretty obvious that could never be true with us. I had to hang up because there was really no point in talking anymore, at least not until after I had cleared my head at least.
I'm reading one of the books he told me I should read a hundred times. I started it today. It's about a guy who is depressed and suicidal and gets emitted to a mental hosptial. It's good but I think it's screwing with my mood even more.
I decided last night that I will try harder this semester to be a good RA. I already am a good RA but I want to be the best RA I could possibly be, not one that does enough to seem good. I'm going to find the strength to reach out to everyone and hang out as much as possible.
I'm worried that I've put too much on my plate this semester and that I'm going to have a hard time concentrating on classes because of it. I'm worried that the reason I try to be so busy all the time is that when I get a minute to slow down and relax, I think about Kyle and get sad, so I find something else to take away my time. I dont' really have a huge social life but that's not the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me is that this does not bother me. I'm going to grow up chasing success and running from myself and really living how I should.
I was feeling really good about being friends with Kyle and God's perfect timing in making it happen right before he had to leave from Brazil. Diane called me today though and when I started to tell her about it she made it pretty obvious that could never be true with us. I had to hang up because there was really no point in talking anymore, at least not until after I had cleared my head at least.
I'm reading one of the books he told me I should read a hundred times. I started it today. It's about a guy who is depressed and suicidal and gets emitted to a mental hosptial. It's good but I think it's screwing with my mood even more.
I decided last night that I will try harder this semester to be a good RA. I already am a good RA but I want to be the best RA I could possibly be, not one that does enough to seem good. I'm going to find the strength to reach out to everyone and hang out as much as possible.
I'm worried that I've put too much on my plate this semester and that I'm going to have a hard time concentrating on classes because of it. I'm worried that the reason I try to be so busy all the time is that when I get a minute to slow down and relax, I think about Kyle and get sad, so I find something else to take away my time. I dont' really have a huge social life but that's not the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me is that this does not bother me. I'm going to grow up chasing success and running from myself and really living how I should.
Monday, January 3, 2011
To Face the Unknown
It's been a while since I updated. I'm in Charlotte on Winter Break but will be back in Raleigh for RA Spring training in a few days. Today I went bowling with Marisa, Josh, Kaitlin, and Bryan and am apparently better at bowling with my left hand than my right.
Christmas went well and I got a new bible that I"m really excited about having. It's a King James Version bible and is much smaller and easier to carry around. It will be nice to be back at Starting Point church with all my friends this Sunday.
The biggest change that in my life in the last few weeks is that I now have a Frenchman best friend. I got the letter Kyle sent on Friday when I got home and we are just friends now. Over the last few months he decided that for his life he either wants a temple marriage or no marriage at all. We are still on good terms and this answers all the questions I had but it was pretty devastating to face at first.
A big part of me felt like everyone in the world knew this was going to happen but me. But when I told his parents and they were surprised and said they assumed we were going to stay together and that you can be married and have different religious beliefs, I felt slightly better about not being the only one in the dark.
I am not mad at all. I understand and I respect Kyle. This does however leave me back to the begining in figuring out how certain parts of my life once previously imagined and figured out in my head will be. This is both a terrifying and exciting thing.
Christmas went well and I got a new bible that I"m really excited about having. It's a King James Version bible and is much smaller and easier to carry around. It will be nice to be back at Starting Point church with all my friends this Sunday.
The biggest change that in my life in the last few weeks is that I now have a Frenchman best friend. I got the letter Kyle sent on Friday when I got home and we are just friends now. Over the last few months he decided that for his life he either wants a temple marriage or no marriage at all. We are still on good terms and this answers all the questions I had but it was pretty devastating to face at first.
A big part of me felt like everyone in the world knew this was going to happen but me. But when I told his parents and they were surprised and said they assumed we were going to stay together and that you can be married and have different religious beliefs, I felt slightly better about not being the only one in the dark.
I am not mad at all. I understand and I respect Kyle. This does however leave me back to the begining in figuring out how certain parts of my life once previously imagined and figured out in my head will be. This is both a terrifying and exciting thing.
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