Friday, January 14, 2011

It's kind of a funny story

First, the good news: I got accepted into working and hanging out with the French exchange students this semester! It will be good for me and good for talking about in interviews. But I don't want that to be why I do it. If I end up going to France this summer it will be perfect. I just hope I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons, namely trying to hold on to someone that is no longer mine.

I was feeling really good about being friends with Kyle and God's perfect timing in making it happen right before he had to leave from Brazil. Diane called me today though and when I started to tell her about it she made it pretty obvious that could never be true with us. I had to hang up because there was really no point in talking anymore, at least not until after I had cleared my head at least.

I'm reading one of the books he told me I should read a hundred times. I started it today. It's about a guy who is depressed and suicidal and gets emitted to a mental hosptial. It's good but I think it's screwing with my mood even more.

I decided last night that I will try harder this semester to be a good RA. I already am a good RA but I want to be the best RA I could possibly be, not one that does enough to seem good. I'm going to find the strength to reach out to everyone and hang out as much as possible.

I'm worried that I've put too much on my plate this semester and that I'm going to have a hard time concentrating on classes because of it. I'm worried that the reason I try to be so busy all the time is that when I get a minute to slow down and relax, I think about Kyle and get sad, so I find something else to take away my time. I dont' really have a huge social life but that's not the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me is that this does not bother me. I'm going to grow up chasing success and running from myself and really living how I should.

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