Spiritual Journeys

This year has been an interesting one for several reasons. It has also been a year of growth for several reasons. But nothing this year has been more time consuming and all consuming than the growth and journey I've had on a spiritual level and in my search for the truth and to be closer to God.

My introduction to my obsession with the Latter-Day Saint Church of Jesus Christ began of course because of Kyle. The boy that I love and begin to view as someone I could easily spend the rest of my life with leaves me and our relationship for two years to serve on a mission trip. While at first his intentions to leave were more because he didn't know what else to do with his time, it has turned into something that he is fully convicted of to be true and passionate about. So passionate that when before he would have been fine marrying me and loving me, he has now made a promise to himself to either marry in the Temple or not marry at all. This has been devastated but overall I respect him very much for having that conviction in his faith.

Seeing Kyle grow this year has helped me grow in my faith in God in some ways because I've been more likely to study the bible and push what I believe in. I was worried for a while about not having the right intentions for looking into this church but I am glad that I have because all of the research I have put in about faith and God has only caused me the strengthen in my own beliefs and faith.

I want to go into the stages I have been going through. In the beginning, right when Kyle left I didn't believe in Mormanism but didn't think it mattered much as long as I respected Kyle. Then I went through a long stage of convincing myself that there wasn't much of a difference between Mormanism and Non-denominational Christianity (my faith), that they were very compatiable and that teaching someone both wasn't that big of a deal. Then after Kyle broke it off, I started to worry that maybe he was right and not only was I losing him but also a place in Heaven when I could have both if I only stopped being to stubborn. I've been researching the church for months and months now, but it wasn't until I took the step to talk to the Elders outside of Caldwell that it began a real journey. I met with them this afternoon and they were very nice. But here's the thing, I feel like I know my faith is only more real from this experience.

It was nice to see what Kyle is doing in Brazil and was doing in Alabama but I believe the Bible and not the Book of Mormon is the only way. I need to discover this but it's good to finally reach a place where it's not about Kyle anymore but about me.

(This whole thing came off wrong, I guess I'll try and re-write this again later)

Wow. Well for the most part my sleeping has gotten better. But for tonight I'm so exhausted I'm no longer tired. I've been very busy and joining lots of new things.

I worry about myself and my motives for trying to be apart of so many clubs and leadership activities. They are all good in themselves but I might have too much on my plate. Why do I do this? Hopefully not because it doesn't give me free time to think about not having him. But there's a chance that's exactly why.

Going to see "It's kind of a funny story" tomorrow with Marisa. That's going to be kind of bittersweet.

I need to sleep. Please pray for me. I'm so sad all the time lately. It has to pass soon.

I haven't been able to sleep the last two nights. I've been exhausted so I try and go to bed early and then proceed to lay there tossing and turning until my alarm goes off to wake up. I don't know what I'm going to do if they keeps up because not sleeping is interfering with how well I function in the day.

And this is pathetic but I think the reason why I can't sleep at all is him. I just lay there numb trying to figure out what the heck happened and every little thing I may have ever done wrong.

In the Bravery song 'The Ocean' there is one line that goes "Do I wish that I had never known you at all?". I always was confident that that would never be the case. I'm starting to wonder though. Simply because there are plenty of guys I would have been happy with if I hadn't known the difference, that now will never match up.

Please pray for me.

It's kind of a funny story

First, the good news: I got accepted into working and hanging out with the French exchange students this semester! It will be good for me and good for talking about in interviews. But I don't want that to be why I do it. If I end up going to France this summer it will be perfect. I just hope I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons, namely trying to hold on to someone that is no longer mine.

I was feeling really good about being friends with Kyle and God's perfect timing in making it happen right before he had to leave from Brazil. Diane called me today though and when I started to tell her about it she made it pretty obvious that could never be true with us. I had to hang up because there was really no point in talking anymore, at least not until after I had cleared my head at least.

I'm reading one of the books he told me I should read a hundred times. I started it today. It's about a guy who is depressed and suicidal and gets emitted to a mental hosptial. It's good but I think it's screwing with my mood even more.

I decided last night that I will try harder this semester to be a good RA. I already am a good RA but I want to be the best RA I could possibly be, not one that does enough to seem good. I'm going to find the strength to reach out to everyone and hang out as much as possible.

I'm worried that I've put too much on my plate this semester and that I'm going to have a hard time concentrating on classes because of it. I'm worried that the reason I try to be so busy all the time is that when I get a minute to slow down and relax, I think about Kyle and get sad, so I find something else to take away my time. I dont' really have a huge social life but that's not the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me is that this does not bother me. I'm going to grow up chasing success and running from myself and really living how I should.

To Face the Unknown

It's been a while since I updated. I'm in Charlotte on Winter Break but will be back in Raleigh for RA Spring training in a few days. Today I went bowling with Marisa, Josh, Kaitlin, and Bryan and am apparently better at bowling with my left hand than my right.

Christmas went well and I got a new bible that I"m really excited about having. It's a King James Version bible and is much smaller and easier to carry around. It will be nice to be back at Starting Point church with all my friends this Sunday.

The biggest change that in my life in the last few weeks is that I now have a Frenchman best friend. I got the letter Kyle sent on Friday when I got home and we are just friends now. Over the last few months he decided that for his life he either wants a temple marriage or no marriage at all. We are still on good terms and this answers all the questions I had but it was pretty devastating to face at first.

A big part of me felt like everyone in the world knew this was going to happen but me. But when I told his parents and they were surprised and said they assumed we were going to stay together and that you can be married and have different religious beliefs, I felt slightly better about not being the only one in the dark.

I am not mad at all. I understand and I respect Kyle. This does however leave me back to the begining in figuring out how certain parts of my life once previously imagined and figured out in my head will be. This is both a terrifying and exciting thing.

I had a dream this afternoon when I was taking a nap. It was one of those dreams that feels so real you think it might be. That is until you realize that the events playing out in front of you are not real and will never be so. I think it was nothing more or less than a vision of the exact longings of my heart at this moment, even though it is not entirely possible at the moment or in the other case ever. First I was with Kyle and somehow I knew things that were not spoken, like how in dreams things can go unexplained but still feel coherent. He was still living in Charlotte and we had just both been so busy the last two months that we hadn't seen each other. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was still around and he said that he knew I was busy. Silly boy, I'm seeing you next weekend in that case because I miss being around you. The next part was even better. I was with my Mom again. My Mom was still alive and somehow she had never really been dead, it had all been a big misunderstanding and she had been busy too. But now we were together and life could make sense again. I would have a Mom to look out for me and to get advise from. Then I wake up and realize that the two people I long to see the most, I won't. In one case I have to wait 2 more years and in the other I have to wait until I die. It was definitely an intense moment.

This is exactly what I want. This can not happen this way.

Will I truly even end up with Kyle? Marisa said something today about how our relationship may be intended to prepare us for the people we are truly meant to be together with and it hurts to even think that, but it could be true. I don't want to use him as a crutch but I have to be sure we know what we're going to do with our children in differences in relgion and it's overwhelming sometimes. I really wish I could just curl up with him somewhere and talk about these worries in person. I haven't had the heart to write about how overwhelmed I've been at the thought of not giving him a temple marriage or even worse joing his church for the wrong reason and taking away the chance for my Dad to see such an important day in my life.

Please God, I need your clarity.

Throw your hands in the air

Today I came back from Bible Study to find a wonderful surprise. It was a simple 'Thank You' note that had been slid under my door while I was gone by one of my residents Lauren, who I had lent some quarters out to earlier in the week so she could do her laundry. I didn't really think much of it but getting a thank you note and her encouraging words really means so much more than she knows. I really love being able to have a job that while simple lets me learn about myself and others significantly more than I would be if I lived on campus in the suite where I could be instead.

Today and yesterday have been funny because I want to listen to music but only if it is in French or in Spanish. Listening to songs sung in English that I fully understand seems overrated right now. I'm not sure what this says about me but it's still kind of unreal that I will be visiting a Spanish and French speaking country in the next year. I am luckier than I realize.

I will be heading over to Oak Island for Fall Break this year. I'm staying with Lori Akers but I am going alone and she will be working a great deal of the time so I really will be on my own. I'm not sure what to expect but I am hoping being around the waves will bring me the clarity that is always has in the past. I am very excited about connecting with God this week by devoting my time there to reading His word and reflecting on my life. I watched the LDS General Conference this weekend and am really determined to bring forth and keep the Holy Spirit in my life as much as possible. God is the only thing that I can rely on in this life.

My one concern is that missing Kyle so much the last few days, it will be hard to spend so much time alone. At the same time, I have always embraced time alone and being independent so hopefully it will be as renewing and refreshing as it has the potential to be.